Today I am in need of internal calm. The stories in my life have been turbulent these past few days, and it seems I gravitate to my internal compass on Sundays. A day to realign back to the internal knowledge of who I really am; abundant, spiritual, divine, perfectly created.
This is my church.
I miss the community one feels when they connect with a group of like-minded people.
Since leaving my faith to forge my own beliefs, I have felt more internally calm, with waves of disconnection only now and then. Growing up in a church, with my dad as a Pastor, always gave me that "home base" feeling, even when I was not lined up with the message.
As I watch my girls go through their life's turbulence, I see the hole that exists without a strong community to support and provide direction. I was not made to do this alone, even if I am a single parent. I have friends and acquaintances, but little few who would drop their life to help me with mine. Even my ex, the father of my children, has chosen to support and provide for another women instead of being available for me and the girls.
I love the quiet of Sunday mornings. It calms me to watch the sun come up and the mountains in the distance appear from my lofty bedroom window. I am truly blessed to have my little house, which provides for me and the girls. It is the most "home" I have felt in a long time. It is all ours and we are surrounded by incredible neighbors.
I know this too shall pass as we are inundated with small children in a suburbia area of the city, but for now, it provides some peace and rest. Like a church without the structured need to control me or tell me what I should or should not be doing.
Gratitude is a lost art these days and I find one of the most effective ways to come back to internal peace. I am grateful for my breath, the body I was given and the family I chose to have teach me amazing truths about myself. I forget to say that most days.
This will be my new church. The shrine of gratitude. The ability to see the beauty in my own choices, no matter how dark they may appear to others. The blessing of simple things like my cat waking me up at 6:00 am and purring so loudly, I feel he can't contain his joy at my awakening.
The quiet of not being in a relationship and the graciousness of my friends and neighbors. The stories I have lived and told, to create the fabric of my life. My children who feed my heart and soul everyday with their truth and insight.
The shining sun and flowing river that gives me pause in my busy life. Passions and adventures that I am called to each day. Music, art, sight, taste and smell.
Such simple gratitudes, yet such incredible rewards for living in this human condition.
Amen
Later, PC