Childhood Remembrance

I feel more myself today than I've felt in a while.

As if I've suddenly remembered who I was supposed to be, after being lured into settling for a mere shadow of myself for a long time.

Looking back to the moments in my childhood when I felt this connection the strongest, gives me signs of who I really am.

What made me happy? What gave me intense joy? When did my heart quicken?! When did I feel at peace? What passion did I cling to? Who is this perfectly created girl, and what is her specific purpose? Why now, what for and with who?

I vaguely remember that little girl some days, but today I can feel her presence more than usual.

I am comfortable, peaceful, thoughtful and identifiable in my bathroom mirror! I look at myself and know who I'm seeing. Like a best friend you love but don't see very often.

Comfy sweats with my favorite light blue GAP hoodie. Bleach-blond hair pulled back, tanned skin. Just like I got off the beach. NO SHOES. Barefoot.

Ready to throw on a pair of shorts, favorite sunglasses, and run onto the dock to tie up the boat. A Caribbean Photo Chik that lives on the ocean; feels strong, natural, and comfortable in her own skin.

I try to hold on to this connection as long as I can. I try to believe that some of her will stay with me tomorrow, when I put on the corporate high-heeled boots and head back to the concrete jungle. This is my reality. Supporting my girls and creating a home foundation. It's just that sometimes I miss her when I'm there. She tends to disappear and wait patiently for me to come back. It can be a few days, sometimes the whole week before I go find her again.

So my question is: Why do some of us seem to spend our whole lives just trying to find our way back to ourselves? Does everyone go through this? A longing to come home, only to find we had home with us the whole time, but didn't recognize it?

I forgot what home was when my internal compass went haywire. The True North became more SE and I was completely lost to where I was really going. I divorced myself over and over with lies about my value and worth. I created situations that I could guilt myself with for the rest of my life. One day I have decided not to live there anymore. I chose to remember and appreciate all the steps I took to become authentic, whoever painful. The girls keep it real. They know all about me and yet still they love and accept me.

In those childhood moments, I remembered. My Youth really distracted me. The 20's, and 30's became more the discovering of what I DIDN'T connect to, which left a wake of painful experiences I try to see as necessary steps.

40's is new and exciting, yet slow. It feels that life has put me into a holding pattern and to really move, I will need to stay still.

Instant Gratification. I have always wanted everything to happen now. Waiting is not one of my best virtues.

The fact that I'm impatient to live fully in myself every day, says I still lack trust in the perfect synchronicity of my life. That tends to block the flow of events, not help it. Which then, just makes it take even longer to come together! There has to be freedom and acceptance of all the steps or there could be pitfalls due to resistance. We really do create our own chaos sometimes.

Ok, now CPC (Caribbean Photo Chik) needs to go clean the bathroom! There is the reality of my philosophical life!

Until Later,

CPC

It's Ok to Follow Sometimes

Sometimes it's ok to follow those who've gone before you; that you trust to know the way.  

You can't always be the trailblazer.  It can be hard to forge the path all alone.

The question usually comes down to "who can I trust"?

If you feel you don't really have anyone you would follow into the darkness of the forest, or take you so close to the threat and still be safe, you feel completely alone.  

When you have the love and support of family and friends, a clear path of who you are and where you came from, you can let go and trust.

If you haven't had a strong fearless warrior leading the way, you may feel afraid at your vulnerability.

If you never get close to the road, you can't really appreciate the trees.

What if you always wanted to have that someone, but they just weren't there, so you learned to be alone and fight for your own survival.

How can you trust anyone when you don't believe there is anyone really there in the first place!?  And after awhile you wouldn't recognize them anyway because you're so used to the empty space in your life.

Faith and trust are the stones that hold you solid in the moving river.  They give you a firm footing, and even when they seem slippery, they don't let the water push you past where you want to be if you just dig in your heels.

But how would you know that unless you actually get into the flow?  If you just stand on shore, you'll only see a fast moving river and not realize the solid stance you could take if you just ventured out and experienced it?

A cold wet toe could the most amazing moment you've ever experienced.  I'm living on the edge of the river right now and just setting my foot delicately into the vast unknown.  The place where I'm discovering more and more how to trust and keep the faith, even when the water is the deepest.

What comes out on the other side can make you wonder why you didn't step in sooner!  But then you realize that when you're only a cub, and it's ok sometimes to follow the one who knows much better than you how to bring you safely home.

Until Later,

PC

Concrete Jungle

ROAD TRIP TO VEGAS........

When you throw something new into the story that is SO apparently NOT the usual, don't be surprised at the ending!  

We hold on to our own perceptions so tightly, we don't even realize we're doing it.

The concrete jungle is not usually where I go for a holiday.  That's where I live.  I usually run straight for the beach.  The warm sand, soft tropical breezes, cool Mojitas, that is where I find my soul.

So why then, in the farthest reaches of my brain, did I believe Vegas would somehow have those same attributes? It really, really didn't!  BUT within the chaos, the most amazing thing happened.  The girls and I were forced to be still and remove all the distractions that would usually take us out of the moment with each other. A cold front came in, it was windy and rainy, I lost money.....all these little pieces that carefully moved us into a new perspective of what this trip is really going to look like!  

We found ourselves enjoying each other's company more because we had to let go of our own expectations and just be together.  Interesting what can come out of nothing.

The bonding was exactly what I really wanted from this vacation; not so much the heat, the shopping or the beautiful scenery.  I had to push myself into letting all that go through continual "co-incidental" events.  One by one, we moved from place to place until we finally all landed up in the same place at the same time having fun in a whole new way we never imagined!

I was tired when I got home, but every so often, I think I need a growth spurt.  A challenge to show me where I am.  How will I react?  What do I believe about life and how it works?  Who am I when I'm faced with disappointment from too many expectations?  How do I let go and enjoy each destined moment even when I don't understand it?  

Once you've answered those questions, you hit the beach and enjoy your Mojito!!

Until later,

PC

Silence Is Golden

The idea that silence is punishment for something is widely thought, yet incorrect.

When we are bad, what did our parents say? "Go to your room to be alone and think about what you've done!" Or you lose the privilege to be with others when you were grounded, or your phone was taken away so you couldn't talk to anyone.

The funny thing is that without the silence, there is no golden opportunity to really just BE. For in the BEING, you find who you really want to connect with, who you really want around and who you really are when no one is there.

This is what I'm discovering more and more

Silence is Golden.

The silence sits around me, waiting patiently
I hear it breathing down my neck, yet I resist it's presence
It feels unfamiliar, this expanded stillness
But the more I sit with it, the more it feels safe
The more I enter into it's embrace, the more I desire it
The noise becomes quiet and the voices stop resounding in my head

Silence is Golden

The glow of being with silence fills me up to overflowing
Until I crave it more than the loudness
It's really a gift that I have kept on the shelf for too long
But now I recognize it's face
I know it and love it
I am mesmerized by it's call and respond

Silence is Golden

Like fall, when the sun slips behind the rocky mountains
And is bouncing off the warmth of coloured leaves
Or shimmering over the flowing river
Golden light reflecting the seasons change
Just like me

Until Later,
PC

road trip to the south

I recently went on a road trip with a friend to a little place in the South by the river.

It was an amazing exercise in adjustment as plans changed from moment to moment.

The gifts of the trip were all the little surprises that showed up within each change.

I enjoyed my own private room in a family home that was run by two amazing hosts. I shot a 12 gauge shot gun and felt like the new Daisy Duke, and I met a man that made more of an impression on me in 2 hours than any one man has in a while.

When the weekend was over, I had new insights, new feelings, new connections and a new perspective about 'going with the flow'. I loved the stretching that came with not understanding anything that was going on, and yet seeing how it all linked together once I let go and enjoyed each moment for what it was. I understood better that judgement is so easy and acceptance so challenging when you are accustomed to seeing life's situations from your mind instead of your heart.

Following your heart in each moment while you continue to observe yourself through your thoughts can feel diametric!

I wondered this past week how you can feel so right about something in the moment and then as this thing called 'time' takes you farther away from it, it morphs into a creation of a whole new kind. The kiss of destiny becomes playtime, the connection between two people becomes soulful, the resistance of a new adventure becomes all empowering.

In other words, 'Ya Just Nevva Evva Know'! I love seeing how I can pull myself around 180 degrees by just saying "Captain, my captain" and standing on a chair. That suddenly making crepes with apples and maple sauce and twirling a saucepan can resonate somewhere deep inside where you weren't familiar with before. Singing soft jazz songs in one's ear can feel like coming home and a strong embrace like melting into anothers skin.

And then you let go and trust it's all right on track when you get off the twirling swing and find yourself dizzy and disoriented; unsure of where you really are so all you can do is sit down and hope everything will settle into familiarity soon.

The cycle continues, re-creating the same dizzy moments and you start to feel that the ride just isn't as much fun as the 100 times you took it before. The illusion of flying is gone and you are rooted firmly back in the ground of reality that dictates what is true and what was just twirling on a swing for a moment.

The question then is: Why would one EVER want to get back on the swing? What pulls us to go around again when we must know that there may, and probably will be, disorientation and confusion when you get off again?

Until later,
PC

OK, here's my stab at love..........................and I quote:

If you've got to dress it up like that, it just doesn't ring true.

I think the most that anybody can honestly say is:

Look, I guarantee there will be tough times.

I guarantee that one or both of us is going to want to get out of this this thing. BUT I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me.

OR

As one of my newest and sweetest male friend said in his Valentine's card to me that he sent with 12 gorgeous Red Roses and one white Gerbera Daisy, "A dozen red roses, because one is simply not enough to represent your beauty. One white daisy to represent how simply unique and special you are to me."

To be true to one's heart, you have to know what your truth is....and then trust it will lead you in the right direction.

Here's another little tidbit: Do you think that the wild fires you feel is love? That is falling in love! Love comes after the fires die down. Then you ask yourself; do I want to be without this person in my life? If the answer is a resounding no, even in the light of day when all is stripped away, then you have love.

How do you really know? You don't. You have faith and trust, then blindly open your heart to others, and remember that you need every experience you create! It can be uncomfortable and drives you to want to bail and just go numb, but if you keep moving through each heart monitor experience, you'll find you understand the intricacy of it so deeply that it would never betray you like it did in the past.

Happy Valentines Day one day early! Good luck to those who are superstitious today.

Later PC

Valentine's Day:

I got nothin'!

Later, PC

(please feel free to step in here and contribute! anyone? anyone?)