Silver Lining

It's a beautiful feeling to suddenly notice the silver lining shining out from behind a cold, dark mountain. Like hope after a long winter of despair.

You stop feeling cold; eyes downcast imagining the hard climb to get to the top. Your gaze shoots up to the brilliance of how the light warms the sky.

When you've been climbing a hard trail for a long time, your eyes become accustomed to looking down to keep your feet on the trail.

This is my first blog post for 2010. I am no longer looking down at my feet. I have lifted my head and am blinded by the glorious silver lining shining in my life.

I feel I want to make this blog more personal, not just philosophical. Stories about my journey that bring with it enlightened perspectives. Pictures that express something of that story and comments from followers (should there be any!) that give me further inspiration towards writing and photography. I want to make this real and interactive. For me and for others.

This picture was taken in Kananaskis Country, West of Cochrane, AB. I went there for my birthday with my very dearest friend. The drive was beautiful, the conversation stimulating and the stillness was healing. I can't remember the last time I went to a gorgeous resort and just stared out at the scenery for hours from the quiet of my room.

The fireplace crackled from a burning log, with Michael Buble crooning in the background. The birds were softly calling to us through the open patio door, so we both went out and sang with them. Nothing was planned but everything fell perfectly into place.

I felt safe and protected. Loved and appreciated. Connected to myself in the stillness that I haven't felt for many years of being busy and attending to details.

My girlfriend has been my gift of inspired stillness. She is all joy and love, yet teaches me constantly the value of being still in the midst of doubt, fear, and the unknown. She is one of my silver linings.

I am on a new path now that allows me to look up every day to see the shining light above the mountain peak. I am enjoying peace of mind, body and soul. My habitual thoughts want to take me to planning, knowing what comes next, and taking control, but I am fighting against this by breathing into surrender.

Surrender to my divine destiny. Surrender to my passion and creative ecstasy. Surrender to true love and foundational values that support me in all of life's challenges.

This is not a path for the weak-hearted! This is for the those who really want to step out of their comfort zone, to see life in it's true glory of perfection outside of limited human reasoning. I am being freed from my prison and yet when you've been behind bars for so long, you can almost run from the very freedom you've been given.

A good friend reminded me that being still and understanding how to just "be" can be experienced within a picture frame of daily adventure. I am discovering now the real me, which may require immobility, and also movement. This blog will be my arena of words and pictures that defines who Photochik really is. Thank you Mr. X for your perfect contribution.

Gratefulness is the glue that holds this journey together. Each day, with each person that is a part of the story, within each act of the story that entices me towards my goal of discovery. All perfectly created.

Until Later,

PC

exposed....again

i feel betrayed.....exposed.....again.

i must need to feel that vulnerability that i create to remind myself to always seek the good and not the rage at perceived injustice.

it felt the exact same way it did before. i was being punished for feeling betrayal, anger, humiliation. i let one comment slip to an unknown soul, whom i thought i could trust. i was blindsided by the exposure. my heart pounded as i realized an enemy saw my heart and judged it.

even now i am afraid to write down my words in case someone may see my thoughts, feelings and exposed emotion and judge it. why then write it down and send them out to be seen? i'm not sure. i just know i need to. even when i wrote privately in my own home, he found them and exposed me in the cruelest way, so what difference does it really make?

can i not say what needs to be said to heal my broken heart with some understanding and compassion? do i not extend that to those who would hurt me but deep down know they are only grieving over what was lost and will heal and feel remorse later, as i have done? why am i not extended the same compassion i try to extend to others?

do i really forgive and forget as i want others to do for me?

can we say in open communication what our hearts are really feeling and know that somewhere, somehow, there will be love, graciousness and acceptance of all the hurt we feel?

over and over i repeat the process. exposure of what is precious to my hurt. betrayal of what is needed to say to heal and be reborn.

have i not paid my dues?

what is the magic mirror saying to me about me in this continuous cycle? what am i missing that i keep creating it? is there no one who will stand for me in this life and say i am allowed to feel all that i feel and am complete in that process? is God the only one who will love me as i am with all these scars?

i stand alone again and again. i cover my wounds and cuts with brave smiles and hidden tears. i want to be exposed, but not for what i lack but for the brilliance of who i am trying to become.

the world is heartless. business is rejecting the human factor so that we are only numbers and pages in their employment history. how does one keep the heart-felt emotion in a world that shows it no value? where is the kindness, the compassion, the truth about all of us being flawed as human beings with the ability for both light and dark?

when will we stop judging each other and see the passion of the human soul in EVERY eye?

when will i?

PC

sanctuary

What does sanctuary mean?

A safe place of refuge. No evil can enter. No harm can be done.

In ancient times, when a person entered the sacred place of sanctuary, they could not be prosecuted, condemned or judged.

I am returning to sanctuary. All roads lead home. A place where people will protect you, safeguard against those that want to harm you, give you comfort.

It has been so long since I've come to this place. I have felt lost in the desert, like the children of Israel, wandering for 40 years without coming to the Promised Land.

Now I am ready.

What does sanctuary mean?

It means protecting those that are weak. Providing comfort to those that have fought the good fight and have need of rest. Warmth and sustenance. Feeding of the soul.

My purpose in this life experience is to feel that, enjoy it and then provide it to others. What other great destiny could I possibly have?

The meaningless tasks of life are grey and soulless. They suck the joy and spirit of all who enter. I am done with that. I want to live by the spirit. To give to those who are in need of help. To offer sanctuary to those who are searching for a safe haven.

To live in the abyss of corporate greed feels like the ultimate betrayal of my purpose. To go day after day into a place of ego that never satisfies is the desecration of why I am on this earth. I can submit to my journey and see the ultimate goal is not through these tasks, but to propel me to a different plain.

I spoke to myself today. Here is what I said.

I told myself that I am in need of feeling fulfilled; that my current situation is about submission and how it is an intricate part of that process.

That I can respect the 'office' I work in, even though I do not respect the one that operates it.

That the past has been about pulling me to fulfillment and facing reality instead of living in a fantasy. About finding out what truly fulfills me.

The spiritual lesson is how labour can be something to smile about not bear as a heavy burden. There can be new growth as I accept the labour I do because of the love I have for myself and my contribution.

The seed of the solution to turn my circumstances around to my advantage is decisiveness! I am capable of strong, decisive action that shows confidence in what I value and cut loose anything that gets in the way of my success.

And finally the first step on my personal Hero's Journey is being selfish. To know when that is good, for me and my family, and to weight the motives carefully when I need to move forward.

This is my sanctuary.

Purpose, clarity, direction, success, peace and strength.

Until Later,

PC

The Internal Calm

Today I am in need of internal calm.

The stories in my life have been turbulent these past few days, and it seems I gravitate to my internal compass on Sundays. A day to realign back to the internal knowledge of who I really am; abundant, spiritual, divine, perfectly created.

This is my church.

I miss the community one feels when they connect with a group of like-minded people.

Since leaving my faith to forge my own beliefs, I have felt more internally calm, with waves of disconnection only now and then. Growing up in a church, with my dad as a Pastor, always gave me that "home base" feeling, even when I was not lined up with the message.

As I watch my girls go through their life's turbulence, I see the hole that exists without a strong community to support and provide direction. I was not made to do this alone, even if I am a single parent. I have friends and acquaintances, but little few who would drop their life to help me with mine. Even my ex, the father of my children, has chosen to support and provide for another women instead of being available for me and the girls.

I love the quiet of Sunday mornings. It calms me to watch the sun come up and the mountains in the distance appear from my lofty bedroom window. I am truly blessed to have my little house, which provides for me and the girls. It is the most "home" I have felt in a long time. It is all ours and we are surrounded by incredible neighbors.

I know this too shall pass as we are inundated with small children in a suburbia area of the city, but for now, it provides some peace and rest. Like a church without the structured need to control me or tell me what I should or should not be doing.

Gratitude is a lost art these days and I find one of the most effective ways to come back to internal peace. I am grateful for my breath, the body I was given and the family I chose to have teach me amazing truths about myself. I forget to say that most days.

This will be my new church. The shrine of gratitude. The ability to see the beauty in my own choices, no matter how dark they may appear to others. The blessing of simple things like my cat waking me up at 6:00 am and purring so loudly, I feel he can't contain his joy at my awakening.

The quiet of not being in a relationship and the graciousness of my friends and neighbors. The stories I have lived and told, to create the fabric of my life. My children who feed my heart and soul everyday with their truth and insight.

The shining sun and flowing river that gives me pause in my busy life. Passions and adventures that I am called to each day. Music, art, sight, taste and smell.

Such simple gratitudes, yet such incredible rewards for living in this human condition.

Amen

Later, PC

Childhood Remembrance

I feel more myself today than I've felt in a while.

As if I've suddenly remembered who I was supposed to be, after being lured into settling for a mere shadow of myself for a long time.

Looking back to the moments in my childhood when I felt this connection the strongest, gives me signs of who I really am.

What made me happy? What gave me intense joy? When did my heart quicken?! When did I feel at peace? What passion did I cling to? Who is this perfectly created girl, and what is her specific purpose? Why now, what for and with who?

I vaguely remember that little girl some days, but today I can feel her presence more than usual.

I am comfortable, peaceful, thoughtful and identifiable in my bathroom mirror! I look at myself and know who I'm seeing. Like a best friend you love but don't see very often.

Comfy sweats with my favorite light blue GAP hoodie. Bleach-blond hair pulled back, tanned skin. Just like I got off the beach. NO SHOES. Barefoot.

Ready to throw on a pair of shorts, favorite sunglasses, and run onto the dock to tie up the boat. A Caribbean Photo Chik that lives on the ocean; feels strong, natural, and comfortable in her own skin.

I try to hold on to this connection as long as I can. I try to believe that some of her will stay with me tomorrow, when I put on the corporate high-heeled boots and head back to the concrete jungle. This is my reality. Supporting my girls and creating a home foundation. It's just that sometimes I miss her when I'm there. She tends to disappear and wait patiently for me to come back. It can be a few days, sometimes the whole week before I go find her again.

So my question is: Why do some of us seem to spend our whole lives just trying to find our way back to ourselves? Does everyone go through this? A longing to come home, only to find we had home with us the whole time, but didn't recognize it?

I forgot what home was when my internal compass went haywire. The True North became more SE and I was completely lost to where I was really going. I divorced myself over and over with lies about my value and worth. I created situations that I could guilt myself with for the rest of my life. One day I have decided not to live there anymore. I chose to remember and appreciate all the steps I took to become authentic, whoever painful. The girls keep it real. They know all about me and yet still they love and accept me.

In those childhood moments, I remembered. My Youth really distracted me. The 20's, and 30's became more the discovering of what I DIDN'T connect to, which left a wake of painful experiences I try to see as necessary steps.

40's is new and exciting, yet slow. It feels that life has put me into a holding pattern and to really move, I will need to stay still.

Instant Gratification. I have always wanted everything to happen now. Waiting is not one of my best virtues.

The fact that I'm impatient to live fully in myself every day, says I still lack trust in the perfect synchronicity of my life. That tends to block the flow of events, not help it. Which then, just makes it take even longer to come together! There has to be freedom and acceptance of all the steps or there could be pitfalls due to resistance. We really do create our own chaos sometimes.

Ok, now CPC (Caribbean Photo Chik) needs to go clean the bathroom! There is the reality of my philosophical life!

Until Later,

CPC

It's Ok to Follow Sometimes

Sometimes it's ok to follow those who've gone before you; that you trust to know the way.  

You can't always be the trailblazer.  It can be hard to forge the path all alone.

The question usually comes down to "who can I trust"?

If you feel you don't really have anyone you would follow into the darkness of the forest, or take you so close to the threat and still be safe, you feel completely alone.  

When you have the love and support of family and friends, a clear path of who you are and where you came from, you can let go and trust.

If you haven't had a strong fearless warrior leading the way, you may feel afraid at your vulnerability.

If you never get close to the road, you can't really appreciate the trees.

What if you always wanted to have that someone, but they just weren't there, so you learned to be alone and fight for your own survival.

How can you trust anyone when you don't believe there is anyone really there in the first place!?  And after awhile you wouldn't recognize them anyway because you're so used to the empty space in your life.

Faith and trust are the stones that hold you solid in the moving river.  They give you a firm footing, and even when they seem slippery, they don't let the water push you past where you want to be if you just dig in your heels.

But how would you know that unless you actually get into the flow?  If you just stand on shore, you'll only see a fast moving river and not realize the solid stance you could take if you just ventured out and experienced it?

A cold wet toe could the most amazing moment you've ever experienced.  I'm living on the edge of the river right now and just setting my foot delicately into the vast unknown.  The place where I'm discovering more and more how to trust and keep the faith, even when the water is the deepest.

What comes out on the other side can make you wonder why you didn't step in sooner!  But then you realize that when you're only a cub, and it's ok sometimes to follow the one who knows much better than you how to bring you safely home.

Until Later,

PC

Concrete Jungle

ROAD TRIP TO VEGAS........

When you throw something new into the story that is SO apparently NOT the usual, don't be surprised at the ending!  

We hold on to our own perceptions so tightly, we don't even realize we're doing it.

The concrete jungle is not usually where I go for a holiday.  That's where I live.  I usually run straight for the beach.  The warm sand, soft tropical breezes, cool Mojitas, that is where I find my soul.

So why then, in the farthest reaches of my brain, did I believe Vegas would somehow have those same attributes? It really, really didn't!  BUT within the chaos, the most amazing thing happened.  The girls and I were forced to be still and remove all the distractions that would usually take us out of the moment with each other. A cold front came in, it was windy and rainy, I lost money.....all these little pieces that carefully moved us into a new perspective of what this trip is really going to look like!  

We found ourselves enjoying each other's company more because we had to let go of our own expectations and just be together.  Interesting what can come out of nothing.

The bonding was exactly what I really wanted from this vacation; not so much the heat, the shopping or the beautiful scenery.  I had to push myself into letting all that go through continual "co-incidental" events.  One by one, we moved from place to place until we finally all landed up in the same place at the same time having fun in a whole new way we never imagined!

I was tired when I got home, but every so often, I think I need a growth spurt.  A challenge to show me where I am.  How will I react?  What do I believe about life and how it works?  Who am I when I'm faced with disappointment from too many expectations?  How do I let go and enjoy each destined moment even when I don't understand it?  

Once you've answered those questions, you hit the beach and enjoy your Mojito!!

Until later,

PC