Through the Fire

I had an experience last night that felt just like this picture. Out of focus, in the heat of battle, surrounded on all sides.

In that moment, I felt I was facing all of my own demons. They clawed at my mind, trying to unravel the peace and joy I had attained in this past year. My head was fuzzy, I felt unwell, I couldn't retain a solid thought. The mocking voice kept coming at me with all the failures, fears and mistakes I had made.

I wandered back and forth from my room to the kitchen, trying to walk off the sound of his voice. He was relentless. I prayed for release but none came for quite a while. I finally faced the demon and reminded me of whom I belong to. Suddenly, God was there, like an avenging angel, drawing me back into the warmth of his love. I knew I had faced hell and come back to renew my vow of allegiance. God had not abandoned me to the clutches of my own human heart, but brought me up again out of the darkness and into the light of dawn.

I was blessed to rise in the morning and see the sun streaming through my window onto my prayer plant. The leaves reaching towards the light, just as my soul was drawing in every breathe of the day. The night had passed and I had come through with hardly a scratch. How could that be? I was in the midst of a great battle and yet had no distinct marks to show the struggle. Inside my mind, the lapping of ocean waves soothed and quieted my spirit. I felt refreshed, as if I had swam in the storm for hours and now finally found the quiet beach of awareness. I was loved. I was cared for in the night by one who will never leave me nor forsake me. He will fight my battles if I call and remind me of my perfect creation. I live and breathe because of the divine purpose woven into my being. I am here. I am loved. I have purpose. I will never be alone, even in the dark night, when the mocker will try to break down my walls. The stone wall stands. I am protected. Nothing can separate me from His love and power.

This is more profound than any epic movie, timeless love story or hidden mystery buried deep in the ocean. This is truth revealed that will never diminish with time or space. A place of rest deep in your spirit that feeds your heart and soul something nothing in this world can give you. How amazing! How do we not see it every moment of every day? How do we miss it? Those who wrestle with the enemy find out who their true Saviour is. It's not food, drink, luxuries, homes, positions, even families. It's the peace that passes all understanding. It dwells in the revelation of forgiveness and restoration. It can only be seen once the participant is ready and searching in the deep. Then God reveals his perfect peace. His power to rescue and release you from your past, your future, your expectations of yourself. He fills your heart to full so that nothing is lived except for His purpose. As drowning, then suddenly pulled into the boat, saved from dying in the deep.

I am moved by my experience. I pray that even as it wafts away on the wings of daily living, I will come back here and remember my battle, and the ONE who saved me.

PC

Spread Your Wings & Fly

Today feels like a day I could spread my wings and fly away to a far off land that flows with warm Caribbean waters and smells of rich earth.

There is so much here that I am grateful for, and yet a still small song of the adventure lures me. Living in the beauty of this moment is a practice I am yet learning. Every day I must lay down my self, look to the divine purpose, and open my hands to receive.

Being grateful in whatever circumstances is not a virtue our culture extols. We are told to strive harder for the pleasure of our wants, to look for the next bend in the road of our own plans. Life will speed up into a blur if I don't slow down to breathe in the amazing beauty of each experience I find myself in. All seem to be choices I make, but the hidden mystery is the guiding hand in each step, gently wooing me to a deeper understanding of myself and my True Love.

For when you fly away, you take your heart with you. You find the ecstasy of your new surroundings are only the perception of what your heart sees. I want to open the eyes of my heart to really see what is within which will then transpose into the song of the outer.

I will fly in my heart

To a place that belongs

Only to me and mine

A refuge from the past

Safety from harm

New joy and life sublime

What wonder I'll see

What truth will behold

For there I will know

The love of my life

His beauty of old

True Heart to show

PC

one year anniversary

New Beginnings.
New thoughts.
New Focus.
New Compass.

A year has almost gone by since I last entered my sacred world. Where there is no one but me, my thoughts, my pictures and my inner voice.

I have morphed into a whole new being, although I have yet to truly display her.

I know she is more quiet, thoughtful, discerning. Letting life's drama flow more freely down her back. She loves to be observe more and speak less, although when there is time to speak, she prays there is merit.

I'm surprised to find her here. I had resolved to let this place go, not requiring a public forum ever again to spill out her soul. The surprise is a delight! Some things are not forgotten, just dormant until such time as they can be revealed again in better light.

I spoke once of being more practical, authentic in the story, facts depicting the picture, but have now seen that the beauty is in the fragmented splinters that slice through the sunlight. There is no structure needed. Whatever freely flows down into words is forgiven. What joy that is!

The vision is clearing after such blurred sight. So much needed to die, to be released. The roots went deep and even now I know there is still more to dig out.

But I am grateful. I am learning the grace of thanks and the miracle that follows. It was given to me by a new friend who knew I needed to read about Eucharisteo, Grace-Thanksgiving-Joy. Now my training begins. Each breathe, each moment of struggle, each beautiful-ugly that I see brings me closer to the bliss of gratefulness.

I will practice here. Now. In this place.

*sun streaming through the soft yellow curtains to rest on my prayer plant
*daughter in the next room quietly watching and waiting for inspiration and direction
*favorite lamp silhouetted against the noon light
*quiet house
*loving/caring family who never gives up
*forgiveness
*clear sight
*peace between parents
*friends who see and still care

So much more could be laid humbly down, but for today this will suffice. My own private thanksgiving tree to grow, nurture and live under.

What a blessing!

PC

Silver Lining

It's a beautiful feeling to suddenly notice the silver lining shining out from behind a cold, dark mountain. Like hope after a long winter of despair.

You stop feeling cold; eyes downcast imagining the hard climb to get to the top. Your gaze shoots up to the brilliance of how the light warms the sky.

When you've been climbing a hard trail for a long time, your eyes become accustomed to looking down to keep your feet on the trail.

This is my first blog post for 2010. I am no longer looking down at my feet. I have lifted my head and am blinded by the glorious silver lining shining in my life.

I feel I want to make this blog more personal, not just philosophical. Stories about my journey that bring with it enlightened perspectives. Pictures that express something of that story and comments from followers (should there be any!) that give me further inspiration towards writing and photography. I want to make this real and interactive. For me and for others.

This picture was taken in Kananaskis Country, West of Cochrane, AB. I went there for my birthday with my very dearest friend. The drive was beautiful, the conversation stimulating and the stillness was healing. I can't remember the last time I went to a gorgeous resort and just stared out at the scenery for hours from the quiet of my room.

The fireplace crackled from a burning log, with Michael Buble crooning in the background. The birds were softly calling to us through the open patio door, so we both went out and sang with them. Nothing was planned but everything fell perfectly into place.

I felt safe and protected. Loved and appreciated. Connected to myself in the stillness that I haven't felt for many years of being busy and attending to details.

My girlfriend has been my gift of inspired stillness. She is all joy and love, yet teaches me constantly the value of being still in the midst of doubt, fear, and the unknown. She is one of my silver linings.

I am on a new path now that allows me to look up every day to see the shining light above the mountain peak. I am enjoying peace of mind, body and soul. My habitual thoughts want to take me to planning, knowing what comes next, and taking control, but I am fighting against this by breathing into surrender.

Surrender to my divine destiny. Surrender to my passion and creative ecstasy. Surrender to true love and foundational values that support me in all of life's challenges.

This is not a path for the weak-hearted! This is for the those who really want to step out of their comfort zone, to see life in it's true glory of perfection outside of limited human reasoning. I am being freed from my prison and yet when you've been behind bars for so long, you can almost run from the very freedom you've been given.

A good friend reminded me that being still and understanding how to just "be" can be experienced within a picture frame of daily adventure. I am discovering now the real me, which may require immobility, and also movement. This blog will be my arena of words and pictures that defines who Photochik really is. Thank you Mr. X for your perfect contribution.

Gratefulness is the glue that holds this journey together. Each day, with each person that is a part of the story, within each act of the story that entices me towards my goal of discovery. All perfectly created.

Until Later,

PC

exposed....again

i feel betrayed.....exposed.....again.

i must need to feel that vulnerability that i create to remind myself to always seek the good and not the rage at perceived injustice.

it felt the exact same way it did before. i was being punished for feeling betrayal, anger, humiliation. i let one comment slip to an unknown soul, whom i thought i could trust. i was blindsided by the exposure. my heart pounded as i realized an enemy saw my heart and judged it.

even now i am afraid to write down my words in case someone may see my thoughts, feelings and exposed emotion and judge it. why then write it down and send them out to be seen? i'm not sure. i just know i need to. even when i wrote privately in my own home, he found them and exposed me in the cruelest way, so what difference does it really make?

can i not say what needs to be said to heal my broken heart with some understanding and compassion? do i not extend that to those who would hurt me but deep down know they are only grieving over what was lost and will heal and feel remorse later, as i have done? why am i not extended the same compassion i try to extend to others?

do i really forgive and forget as i want others to do for me?

can we say in open communication what our hearts are really feeling and know that somewhere, somehow, there will be love, graciousness and acceptance of all the hurt we feel?

over and over i repeat the process. exposure of what is precious to my hurt. betrayal of what is needed to say to heal and be reborn.

have i not paid my dues?

what is the magic mirror saying to me about me in this continuous cycle? what am i missing that i keep creating it? is there no one who will stand for me in this life and say i am allowed to feel all that i feel and am complete in that process? is God the only one who will love me as i am with all these scars?

i stand alone again and again. i cover my wounds and cuts with brave smiles and hidden tears. i want to be exposed, but not for what i lack but for the brilliance of who i am trying to become.

the world is heartless. business is rejecting the human factor so that we are only numbers and pages in their employment history. how does one keep the heart-felt emotion in a world that shows it no value? where is the kindness, the compassion, the truth about all of us being flawed as human beings with the ability for both light and dark?

when will we stop judging each other and see the passion of the human soul in EVERY eye?

when will i?

PC

sanctuary

What does sanctuary mean?

A safe place of refuge. No evil can enter. No harm can be done.

In ancient times, when a person entered the sacred place of sanctuary, they could not be prosecuted, condemned or judged.

I am returning to sanctuary. All roads lead home. A place where people will protect you, safeguard against those that want to harm you, give you comfort.

It has been so long since I've come to this place. I have felt lost in the desert, like the children of Israel, wandering for 40 years without coming to the Promised Land.

Now I am ready.

What does sanctuary mean?

It means protecting those that are weak. Providing comfort to those that have fought the good fight and have need of rest. Warmth and sustenance. Feeding of the soul.

My purpose in this life experience is to feel that, enjoy it and then provide it to others. What other great destiny could I possibly have?

The meaningless tasks of life are grey and soulless. They suck the joy and spirit of all who enter. I am done with that. I want to live by the spirit. To give to those who are in need of help. To offer sanctuary to those who are searching for a safe haven.

To live in the abyss of corporate greed feels like the ultimate betrayal of my purpose. To go day after day into a place of ego that never satisfies is the desecration of why I am on this earth. I can submit to my journey and see the ultimate goal is not through these tasks, but to propel me to a different plain.

I spoke to myself today. Here is what I said.

I told myself that I am in need of feeling fulfilled; that my current situation is about submission and how it is an intricate part of that process.

That I can respect the 'office' I work in, even though I do not respect the one that operates it.

That the past has been about pulling me to fulfillment and facing reality instead of living in a fantasy. About finding out what truly fulfills me.

The spiritual lesson is how labour can be something to smile about not bear as a heavy burden. There can be new growth as I accept the labour I do because of the love I have for myself and my contribution.

The seed of the solution to turn my circumstances around to my advantage is decisiveness! I am capable of strong, decisive action that shows confidence in what I value and cut loose anything that gets in the way of my success.

And finally the first step on my personal Hero's Journey is being selfish. To know when that is good, for me and my family, and to weight the motives carefully when I need to move forward.

This is my sanctuary.

Purpose, clarity, direction, success, peace and strength.

Until Later,

PC

The Internal Calm

Today I am in need of internal calm.

The stories in my life have been turbulent these past few days, and it seems I gravitate to my internal compass on Sundays. A day to realign back to the internal knowledge of who I really am; abundant, spiritual, divine, perfectly created.

This is my church.

I miss the community one feels when they connect with a group of like-minded people.

Since leaving my faith to forge my own beliefs, I have felt more internally calm, with waves of disconnection only now and then. Growing up in a church, with my dad as a Pastor, always gave me that "home base" feeling, even when I was not lined up with the message.

As I watch my girls go through their life's turbulence, I see the hole that exists without a strong community to support and provide direction. I was not made to do this alone, even if I am a single parent. I have friends and acquaintances, but little few who would drop their life to help me with mine. Even my ex, the father of my children, has chosen to support and provide for another women instead of being available for me and the girls.

I love the quiet of Sunday mornings. It calms me to watch the sun come up and the mountains in the distance appear from my lofty bedroom window. I am truly blessed to have my little house, which provides for me and the girls. It is the most "home" I have felt in a long time. It is all ours and we are surrounded by incredible neighbors.

I know this too shall pass as we are inundated with small children in a suburbia area of the city, but for now, it provides some peace and rest. Like a church without the structured need to control me or tell me what I should or should not be doing.

Gratitude is a lost art these days and I find one of the most effective ways to come back to internal peace. I am grateful for my breath, the body I was given and the family I chose to have teach me amazing truths about myself. I forget to say that most days.

This will be my new church. The shrine of gratitude. The ability to see the beauty in my own choices, no matter how dark they may appear to others. The blessing of simple things like my cat waking me up at 6:00 am and purring so loudly, I feel he can't contain his joy at my awakening.

The quiet of not being in a relationship and the graciousness of my friends and neighbors. The stories I have lived and told, to create the fabric of my life. My children who feed my heart and soul everyday with their truth and insight.

The shining sun and flowing river that gives me pause in my busy life. Passions and adventures that I am called to each day. Music, art, sight, taste and smell.

Such simple gratitudes, yet such incredible rewards for living in this human condition.

Amen

Later, PC