exposed....again

i feel betrayed.....exposed.....again.

i must need to feel that vulnerability that i create to remind myself to always seek the good and not the rage at perceived injustice.

it felt the exact same way it did before. i was being punished for feeling betrayal, anger, humiliation. i let one comment slip to an unknown soul, whom i thought i could trust. i was blindsided by the exposure. my heart pounded as i realized an enemy saw my heart and judged it.

even now i am afraid to write down my words in case someone may see my thoughts, feelings and exposed emotion and judge it. why then write it down and send them out to be seen? i'm not sure. i just know i need to. even when i wrote privately in my own home, he found them and exposed me in the cruelest way, so what difference does it really make?

can i not say what needs to be said to heal my broken heart with some understanding and compassion? do i not extend that to those who would hurt me but deep down know they are only grieving over what was lost and will heal and feel remorse later, as i have done? why am i not extended the same compassion i try to extend to others?

do i really forgive and forget as i want others to do for me?

can we say in open communication what our hearts are really feeling and know that somewhere, somehow, there will be love, graciousness and acceptance of all the hurt we feel?

over and over i repeat the process. exposure of what is precious to my hurt. betrayal of what is needed to say to heal and be reborn.

have i not paid my dues?

what is the magic mirror saying to me about me in this continuous cycle? what am i missing that i keep creating it? is there no one who will stand for me in this life and say i am allowed to feel all that i feel and am complete in that process? is God the only one who will love me as i am with all these scars?

i stand alone again and again. i cover my wounds and cuts with brave smiles and hidden tears. i want to be exposed, but not for what i lack but for the brilliance of who i am trying to become.

the world is heartless. business is rejecting the human factor so that we are only numbers and pages in their employment history. how does one keep the heart-felt emotion in a world that shows it no value? where is the kindness, the compassion, the truth about all of us being flawed as human beings with the ability for both light and dark?

when will we stop judging each other and see the passion of the human soul in EVERY eye?

when will i?

PC

sanctuary

What does sanctuary mean?

A safe place of refuge. No evil can enter. No harm can be done.

In ancient times, when a person entered the sacred place of sanctuary, they could not be prosecuted, condemned or judged.

I am returning to sanctuary. All roads lead home. A place where people will protect you, safeguard against those that want to harm you, give you comfort.

It has been so long since I've come to this place. I have felt lost in the desert, like the children of Israel, wandering for 40 years without coming to the Promised Land.

Now I am ready.

What does sanctuary mean?

It means protecting those that are weak. Providing comfort to those that have fought the good fight and have need of rest. Warmth and sustenance. Feeding of the soul.

My purpose in this life experience is to feel that, enjoy it and then provide it to others. What other great destiny could I possibly have?

The meaningless tasks of life are grey and soulless. They suck the joy and spirit of all who enter. I am done with that. I want to live by the spirit. To give to those who are in need of help. To offer sanctuary to those who are searching for a safe haven.

To live in the abyss of corporate greed feels like the ultimate betrayal of my purpose. To go day after day into a place of ego that never satisfies is the desecration of why I am on this earth. I can submit to my journey and see the ultimate goal is not through these tasks, but to propel me to a different plain.

I spoke to myself today. Here is what I said.

I told myself that I am in need of feeling fulfilled; that my current situation is about submission and how it is an intricate part of that process.

That I can respect the 'office' I work in, even though I do not respect the one that operates it.

That the past has been about pulling me to fulfillment and facing reality instead of living in a fantasy. About finding out what truly fulfills me.

The spiritual lesson is how labour can be something to smile about not bear as a heavy burden. There can be new growth as I accept the labour I do because of the love I have for myself and my contribution.

The seed of the solution to turn my circumstances around to my advantage is decisiveness! I am capable of strong, decisive action that shows confidence in what I value and cut loose anything that gets in the way of my success.

And finally the first step on my personal Hero's Journey is being selfish. To know when that is good, for me and my family, and to weight the motives carefully when I need to move forward.

This is my sanctuary.

Purpose, clarity, direction, success, peace and strength.

Until Later,

PC

The Internal Calm

Today I am in need of internal calm.

The stories in my life have been turbulent these past few days, and it seems I gravitate to my internal compass on Sundays. A day to realign back to the internal knowledge of who I really am; abundant, spiritual, divine, perfectly created.

This is my church.

I miss the community one feels when they connect with a group of like-minded people.

Since leaving my faith to forge my own beliefs, I have felt more internally calm, with waves of disconnection only now and then. Growing up in a church, with my dad as a Pastor, always gave me that "home base" feeling, even when I was not lined up with the message.

As I watch my girls go through their life's turbulence, I see the hole that exists without a strong community to support and provide direction. I was not made to do this alone, even if I am a single parent. I have friends and acquaintances, but little few who would drop their life to help me with mine. Even my ex, the father of my children, has chosen to support and provide for another women instead of being available for me and the girls.

I love the quiet of Sunday mornings. It calms me to watch the sun come up and the mountains in the distance appear from my lofty bedroom window. I am truly blessed to have my little house, which provides for me and the girls. It is the most "home" I have felt in a long time. It is all ours and we are surrounded by incredible neighbors.

I know this too shall pass as we are inundated with small children in a suburbia area of the city, but for now, it provides some peace and rest. Like a church without the structured need to control me or tell me what I should or should not be doing.

Gratitude is a lost art these days and I find one of the most effective ways to come back to internal peace. I am grateful for my breath, the body I was given and the family I chose to have teach me amazing truths about myself. I forget to say that most days.

This will be my new church. The shrine of gratitude. The ability to see the beauty in my own choices, no matter how dark they may appear to others. The blessing of simple things like my cat waking me up at 6:00 am and purring so loudly, I feel he can't contain his joy at my awakening.

The quiet of not being in a relationship and the graciousness of my friends and neighbors. The stories I have lived and told, to create the fabric of my life. My children who feed my heart and soul everyday with their truth and insight.

The shining sun and flowing river that gives me pause in my busy life. Passions and adventures that I am called to each day. Music, art, sight, taste and smell.

Such simple gratitudes, yet such incredible rewards for living in this human condition.

Amen

Later, PC

Childhood Remembrance

I feel more myself today than I've felt in a while.

As if I've suddenly remembered who I was supposed to be, after being lured into settling for a mere shadow of myself for a long time.

Looking back to the moments in my childhood when I felt this connection the strongest, gives me signs of who I really am.

What made me happy? What gave me intense joy? When did my heart quicken?! When did I feel at peace? What passion did I cling to? Who is this perfectly created girl, and what is her specific purpose? Why now, what for and with who?

I vaguely remember that little girl some days, but today I can feel her presence more than usual.

I am comfortable, peaceful, thoughtful and identifiable in my bathroom mirror! I look at myself and know who I'm seeing. Like a best friend you love but don't see very often.

Comfy sweats with my favorite light blue GAP hoodie. Bleach-blond hair pulled back, tanned skin. Just like I got off the beach. NO SHOES. Barefoot.

Ready to throw on a pair of shorts, favorite sunglasses, and run onto the dock to tie up the boat. A Caribbean Photo Chik that lives on the ocean; feels strong, natural, and comfortable in her own skin.

I try to hold on to this connection as long as I can. I try to believe that some of her will stay with me tomorrow, when I put on the corporate high-heeled boots and head back to the concrete jungle. This is my reality. Supporting my girls and creating a home foundation. It's just that sometimes I miss her when I'm there. She tends to disappear and wait patiently for me to come back. It can be a few days, sometimes the whole week before I go find her again.

So my question is: Why do some of us seem to spend our whole lives just trying to find our way back to ourselves? Does everyone go through this? A longing to come home, only to find we had home with us the whole time, but didn't recognize it?

I forgot what home was when my internal compass went haywire. The True North became more SE and I was completely lost to where I was really going. I divorced myself over and over with lies about my value and worth. I created situations that I could guilt myself with for the rest of my life. One day I have decided not to live there anymore. I chose to remember and appreciate all the steps I took to become authentic, whoever painful. The girls keep it real. They know all about me and yet still they love and accept me.

In those childhood moments, I remembered. My Youth really distracted me. The 20's, and 30's became more the discovering of what I DIDN'T connect to, which left a wake of painful experiences I try to see as necessary steps.

40's is new and exciting, yet slow. It feels that life has put me into a holding pattern and to really move, I will need to stay still.

Instant Gratification. I have always wanted everything to happen now. Waiting is not one of my best virtues.

The fact that I'm impatient to live fully in myself every day, says I still lack trust in the perfect synchronicity of my life. That tends to block the flow of events, not help it. Which then, just makes it take even longer to come together! There has to be freedom and acceptance of all the steps or there could be pitfalls due to resistance. We really do create our own chaos sometimes.

Ok, now CPC (Caribbean Photo Chik) needs to go clean the bathroom! There is the reality of my philosophical life!

Until Later,

CPC

It's Ok to Follow Sometimes

Sometimes it's ok to follow those who've gone before you; that you trust to know the way.  

You can't always be the trailblazer.  It can be hard to forge the path all alone.

The question usually comes down to "who can I trust"?

If you feel you don't really have anyone you would follow into the darkness of the forest, or take you so close to the threat and still be safe, you feel completely alone.  

When you have the love and support of family and friends, a clear path of who you are and where you came from, you can let go and trust.

If you haven't had a strong fearless warrior leading the way, you may feel afraid at your vulnerability.

If you never get close to the road, you can't really appreciate the trees.

What if you always wanted to have that someone, but they just weren't there, so you learned to be alone and fight for your own survival.

How can you trust anyone when you don't believe there is anyone really there in the first place!?  And after awhile you wouldn't recognize them anyway because you're so used to the empty space in your life.

Faith and trust are the stones that hold you solid in the moving river.  They give you a firm footing, and even when they seem slippery, they don't let the water push you past where you want to be if you just dig in your heels.

But how would you know that unless you actually get into the flow?  If you just stand on shore, you'll only see a fast moving river and not realize the solid stance you could take if you just ventured out and experienced it?

A cold wet toe could the most amazing moment you've ever experienced.  I'm living on the edge of the river right now and just setting my foot delicately into the vast unknown.  The place where I'm discovering more and more how to trust and keep the faith, even when the water is the deepest.

What comes out on the other side can make you wonder why you didn't step in sooner!  But then you realize that when you're only a cub, and it's ok sometimes to follow the one who knows much better than you how to bring you safely home.

Until Later,

PC

Concrete Jungle

ROAD TRIP TO VEGAS........

When you throw something new into the story that is SO apparently NOT the usual, don't be surprised at the ending!  

We hold on to our own perceptions so tightly, we don't even realize we're doing it.

The concrete jungle is not usually where I go for a holiday.  That's where I live.  I usually run straight for the beach.  The warm sand, soft tropical breezes, cool Mojitas, that is where I find my soul.

So why then, in the farthest reaches of my brain, did I believe Vegas would somehow have those same attributes? It really, really didn't!  BUT within the chaos, the most amazing thing happened.  The girls and I were forced to be still and remove all the distractions that would usually take us out of the moment with each other. A cold front came in, it was windy and rainy, I lost money.....all these little pieces that carefully moved us into a new perspective of what this trip is really going to look like!  

We found ourselves enjoying each other's company more because we had to let go of our own expectations and just be together.  Interesting what can come out of nothing.

The bonding was exactly what I really wanted from this vacation; not so much the heat, the shopping or the beautiful scenery.  I had to push myself into letting all that go through continual "co-incidental" events.  One by one, we moved from place to place until we finally all landed up in the same place at the same time having fun in a whole new way we never imagined!

I was tired when I got home, but every so often, I think I need a growth spurt.  A challenge to show me where I am.  How will I react?  What do I believe about life and how it works?  Who am I when I'm faced with disappointment from too many expectations?  How do I let go and enjoy each destined moment even when I don't understand it?  

Once you've answered those questions, you hit the beach and enjoy your Mojito!!

Until later,

PC

Silence Is Golden

The idea that silence is punishment for something is widely thought, yet incorrect.

When we are bad, what did our parents say? "Go to your room to be alone and think about what you've done!" Or you lose the privilege to be with others when you were grounded, or your phone was taken away so you couldn't talk to anyone.

The funny thing is that without the silence, there is no golden opportunity to really just BE. For in the BEING, you find who you really want to connect with, who you really want around and who you really are when no one is there.

This is what I'm discovering more and more

Silence is Golden.

The silence sits around me, waiting patiently
I hear it breathing down my neck, yet I resist it's presence
It feels unfamiliar, this expanded stillness
But the more I sit with it, the more it feels safe
The more I enter into it's embrace, the more I desire it
The noise becomes quiet and the voices stop resounding in my head

Silence is Golden

The glow of being with silence fills me up to overflowing
Until I crave it more than the loudness
It's really a gift that I have kept on the shelf for too long
But now I recognize it's face
I know it and love it
I am mesmerized by it's call and respond

Silence is Golden

Like fall, when the sun slips behind the rocky mountains
And is bouncing off the warmth of coloured leaves
Or shimmering over the flowing river
Golden light reflecting the seasons change
Just like me

Until Later,
PC

road trip to the south

I recently went on a road trip with a friend to a little place in the South by the river.

It was an amazing exercise in adjustment as plans changed from moment to moment.

The gifts of the trip were all the little surprises that showed up within each change.

I enjoyed my own private room in a family home that was run by two amazing hosts. I shot a 12 gauge shot gun and felt like the new Daisy Duke, and I met a man that made more of an impression on me in 2 hours than any one man has in a while.

When the weekend was over, I had new insights, new feelings, new connections and a new perspective about 'going with the flow'. I loved the stretching that came with not understanding anything that was going on, and yet seeing how it all linked together once I let go and enjoyed each moment for what it was. I understood better that judgement is so easy and acceptance so challenging when you are accustomed to seeing life's situations from your mind instead of your heart.

Following your heart in each moment while you continue to observe yourself through your thoughts can feel diametric!

I wondered this past week how you can feel so right about something in the moment and then as this thing called 'time' takes you farther away from it, it morphs into a creation of a whole new kind. The kiss of destiny becomes playtime, the connection between two people becomes soulful, the resistance of a new adventure becomes all empowering.

In other words, 'Ya Just Nevva Evva Know'! I love seeing how I can pull myself around 180 degrees by just saying "Captain, my captain" and standing on a chair. That suddenly making crepes with apples and maple sauce and twirling a saucepan can resonate somewhere deep inside where you weren't familiar with before. Singing soft jazz songs in one's ear can feel like coming home and a strong embrace like melting into anothers skin.

And then you let go and trust it's all right on track when you get off the twirling swing and find yourself dizzy and disoriented; unsure of where you really are so all you can do is sit down and hope everything will settle into familiarity soon.

The cycle continues, re-creating the same dizzy moments and you start to feel that the ride just isn't as much fun as the 100 times you took it before. The illusion of flying is gone and you are rooted firmly back in the ground of reality that dictates what is true and what was just twirling on a swing for a moment.

The question then is: Why would one EVER want to get back on the swing? What pulls us to go around again when we must know that there may, and probably will be, disorientation and confusion when you get off again?

Until later,
PC

OK, here's my stab at love..........................and I quote:

If you've got to dress it up like that, it just doesn't ring true.

I think the most that anybody can honestly say is:

Look, I guarantee there will be tough times.

I guarantee that one or both of us is going to want to get out of this this thing. BUT I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me.

OR

As one of my newest and sweetest male friend said in his Valentine's card to me that he sent with 12 gorgeous Red Roses and one white Gerbera Daisy, "A dozen red roses, because one is simply not enough to represent your beauty. One white daisy to represent how simply unique and special you are to me."

To be true to one's heart, you have to know what your truth is....and then trust it will lead you in the right direction.

Here's another little tidbit: Do you think that the wild fires you feel is love? That is falling in love! Love comes after the fires die down. Then you ask yourself; do I want to be without this person in my life? If the answer is a resounding no, even in the light of day when all is stripped away, then you have love.

How do you really know? You don't. You have faith and trust, then blindly open your heart to others, and remember that you need every experience you create! It can be uncomfortable and drives you to want to bail and just go numb, but if you keep moving through each heart monitor experience, you'll find you understand the intricacy of it so deeply that it would never betray you like it did in the past.

Happy Valentines Day one day early! Good luck to those who are superstitious today.

Later PC

Valentine's Day:

I got nothin'!

Later, PC

(please feel free to step in here and contribute! anyone? anyone?)

Christmas Donkeys

I love these miniture donkeys my daughter discovered roaming around outside at an animal clinic, just waiting for us to pet and do our own personal photo shoot!

Christmas was fun and simple for me and the girls. I had a few things planned but didn't let it get crazy and still had time to just relax in a hot tub, watch the Dark Night and just be!!

I love the simplicity of Christmas if you let it just be. Family, friends and the quiet stillness that comes with winter nights and soft snow. I can get so busy and forget that I am creating all the stress I seem to find myself in! I love the way these miniture donkeys keep it simple. No worries, no stress, no concerns except staying warm and being fed.

I even had some fun with the Ex over Christmas and it may just have been the last time the girls and I enjoyed doing that with him as a family. His priority has become the new live-in girlfriend so we tend to take second place. I am learning to rely only on my own survival so there are no expectations, no disappointments!

The real beauty of Christmas for me this year was enjoying the small things. Making home-made cards with my sister-in-law, taking photos of the kids skating on Grandpa's pond, doing synchronized swimming with best friend PMJ in the hot tub and enjoying Step-Grandma's Jam-Jam cookies just like my mom used to make.

The girls are getting older and soon they will create their own busy-ness. I already saw how things will start to re-arrange next year as J is turning 18 and M is going on 16. I want to let them go and yet hold on to so many simple memories that I'll store away into my own Christmas box.

What is it about human nature that seems drawn into the "rat-race" of life? The place where we can finally lament about how busy we are and moan and groan about the very thing we say we don't want to be? We must love that story to keep re-creating it! We must love to make true the thing we seem to resist. If we are really true abundant energy that creates our whole illusion of life, then why do we keep creating the same cycles? Why do I?

I must love the drama of it all. The telling of it. The response of it and then the repercussions of it! We all must. Or we wouldn't create it that way.

Until Later,

PC