Childhood Remembrance

I feel more myself today than I've felt in a while.

As if I've suddenly remembered who I was supposed to be, after being lured into settling for a mere shadow of myself for a long time.

Looking back to the moments in my childhood when I felt this connection the strongest, gives me signs of who I really am.

What made me happy? What gave me intense joy? When did my heart quicken?! When did I feel at peace? What passion did I cling to? Who is this perfectly created girl, and what is her specific purpose? Why now, what for and with who?

I vaguely remember that little girl some days, but today I can feel her presence more than usual.

I am comfortable, peaceful, thoughtful and identifiable in my bathroom mirror! I look at myself and know who I'm seeing. Like a best friend you love but don't see very often.

Comfy sweats with my favorite light blue GAP hoodie. Bleach-blond hair pulled back, tanned skin. Just like I got off the beach. NO SHOES. Barefoot.

Ready to throw on a pair of shorts, favorite sunglasses, and run onto the dock to tie up the boat. A Caribbean Photo Chik that lives on the ocean; feels strong, natural, and comfortable in her own skin.

I try to hold on to this connection as long as I can. I try to believe that some of her will stay with me tomorrow, when I put on the corporate high-heeled boots and head back to the concrete jungle. This is my reality. Supporting my girls and creating a home foundation. It's just that sometimes I miss her when I'm there. She tends to disappear and wait patiently for me to come back. It can be a few days, sometimes the whole week before I go find her again.

So my question is: Why do some of us seem to spend our whole lives just trying to find our way back to ourselves? Does everyone go through this? A longing to come home, only to find we had home with us the whole time, but didn't recognize it?

I forgot what home was when my internal compass went haywire. The True North became more SE and I was completely lost to where I was really going. I divorced myself over and over with lies about my value and worth. I created situations that I could guilt myself with for the rest of my life. One day I have decided not to live there anymore. I chose to remember and appreciate all the steps I took to become authentic, whoever painful. The girls keep it real. They know all about me and yet still they love and accept me.

In those childhood moments, I remembered. My Youth really distracted me. The 20's, and 30's became more the discovering of what I DIDN'T connect to, which left a wake of painful experiences I try to see as necessary steps.

40's is new and exciting, yet slow. It feels that life has put me into a holding pattern and to really move, I will need to stay still.

Instant Gratification. I have always wanted everything to happen now. Waiting is not one of my best virtues.

The fact that I'm impatient to live fully in myself every day, says I still lack trust in the perfect synchronicity of my life. That tends to block the flow of events, not help it. Which then, just makes it take even longer to come together! There has to be freedom and acceptance of all the steps or there could be pitfalls due to resistance. We really do create our own chaos sometimes.

Ok, now CPC (Caribbean Photo Chik) needs to go clean the bathroom! There is the reality of my philosophical life!

Until Later,

CPC